A Faint Smile in a Bitter Memory

Honey Funny Bunny

I can’t believe I have to rant this out.

Or rather I can’t believe this blog is becoming a rant zone. 

Oh, whatever. Here goes nothing.

TAKE NOTE THIS IS A RANT POST, DON’T READ IT IF YOU HATE PEOPLE WHO RANT.

You know, sometimes I ask myself.. why?

I ask myself why did I used to care so much for you.

I ask myself why do I cut myself (metaphorically) to fit into you.

I ask myself why was I so cold and merciless to you.

Lastly, I ask myself why did I chose to quit being friends with you.

It’s simple, cause.. I simply had enough of you. I already tried my best to fit into you but you wanted more. You wanted more than I ever can afford to. You broke my trust when you blurt out my secrets to someone else I didn’t trust. You broke my trust when you told secrets within us to your boyfriend. You lost my trust when you left me without telling me the real reason for 2 weeks and you actually needed your boyfriend to tell me what was wrong. You lost my respect when you actually decide to friend and trust someone who is potentially dangerous.

This has always been your problem since the start. Once you find yourself you are attracted, your friends won’t even matter. It happened before and it’s happening again. Have you ever had time for your friends? If you thinking you are spending time with your friends as long as we hang out with your boyfriend then you are so god damn wrong. Why the hell would I want to hang out with you two when both of you are a couple and can hang out yourselves. You think I am like that silly guy who follows both of you whenever you two hang out? HELLO?! 

Just admit it once you have someone else in your life to fill that emptiness in your heart, friends don’t matter. You only need them there to complete your imaginary wedding picture with friends all around supporting and cheering you. 

I am so sick of you always using your boyfriend as an excuse. So because you have a boyfriend, you can’t hang out with your friend like old times? Or is it because I am the opposite sex so I guess I should go for a sex change so that we can hang out alot easier? FUCK NO. I am pretty fine the way I am. You really remind me of my ex-girlfriend who neglect and use her friends for her own gains especially when she find herself someone of interest.

I laugh at the thought of myself trying to be good friends with you again. It would look that dumb, seriously. I done countless favors to cheer you up and helped you with your boyfriend. But I guess you can’t return favors cause you got a boyfriend right? Bet I got that fucking right. So if I were to return being friends with you again, I would be the same old dumb person trying to fit into you again.

I always felt like another person when I am out with you after you got attached. I need to discipline myself so that I don’t offend you and your boyfriend. I can’t crack jokes or humor you infront of your boyfriend because of the possibility he’ll get jealous. There’s so much “I need to” and guess what, those “I need to” never appeared before when we were still really good friends.

It’s not that this friendship didn’t matter to me, it actually meant ALOT to me. But I realized that things will never be the same way again so I can’t be bothered to revive this sinking friendship.

So you found yourself a potential soulmate to share the rest of your life with, CONGRATULATIONS! Please go pamper yourself and your boyfriend. It’s time I move on with my OWN life instead of trying to revive a lost enjoyable past. I had enough of you and your “boyfriend, boyfriend, boyfriend” mindfulness. I had enough of you trying to force your friends and the people around you to accept your boyfriend. 

I’m Done with You.

You will never understand this hatred I feel for you.

Never.

You, who always destroy the pyramid I built for us.

You, whose demands I never fail to follow.

You, who betray us.

You, who destroyed the lives of the 3 before me and mine as well.

How dare you feel anger or hatred towards me.

I will never forgive you for what you done.

“When people lie, they are doing it to protect the ones they love.”

“I was dead until the moment I met you. I was a powerless corpse pretending to be alive. Living without power, without the ability to change my course, was akin to a slow death.
If I must live as i did before then…”

“Only those who prepared to fire should be fired at”

“Will there be sacrifice? Yes and not just soldiers, but innocent bystanders, as well. Even so … no … because of that, I cannot stop. 
Even if I need to cheat and hurt others, I must persevere. To that end I must become carnage incarnate. I must spill yet more blood, so that the blood already spilt will not be in vain.”

“Does strength represent justice if powerlessness is a crime!?”

“If being powerless is evil, is having power justice ? Is revenge Evil ? Can friendship coexist with justice. “

“Perhaps this is what I have always wished for since that day. The loss and destruction of all. That’s right, one must destroy before creating. In that case, if my conscience becomes a hindrance to me, then I will simply erase it. I have no other choice but to move forward”

“When will a war end? When someone wins.”

“When there is evil in this world that justice cannot defeat.Would you taint your hands with evil to defeat evil?Or would you remain steadfast & righteous even if it means surrendering to evil?”

“There are times in life when you have to distance yourself from those you love, because you love them.”

Thinking.

I am thinking damn hell alot now so I just gonna post just some quotes here that I really like now.

“My anger outweighs my guilt.”

Henri Ducard: What are you seeking? 
Bruce Wayne: I seek the means to fight injustice, to turn fear against those who prey on the fearful. 

Ariadne: These aren’t just dreams. These are memories. And you said never to use memories. 
Cobb: I know I did. 
Ariadne: You’re trying to keep her alive. You can’t let her go. 
Cobb: You don’t understand. These are moments I regret, the memories that I have to change. 

Ariadne: Why is it so important to dream? 
Cobb: Because, in my dreams we are together. 

Cobb: I can’t stay with her anymore because she doesn’t exist. 
Mal: I’m the only thing you do believe in anymore. 
Cobb: I wish. I wish more than anything. But I can’t imagine you with all your complexity, all you perfection, all your imperfection. Look at you. You are just a shade of my real wife. You’re the best I can do; but I’m sorry, you are just not good enough. 

Mal: I’ll tell you a riddle. You’re waiting for a train. A train that will take you far away. You know where you hope this train will take you; but you don’t know for sure. But it doesn’t matter. How can it not matter to you where that train will take you? 
Cobb: Because you’ll be together. 

Mal: We’d be together forever. You promised me. 
Cobb: I know. But we can’t. And I’m sorry. 
Mal: You remember when you asked me to marry you? You said you dreamt that we’d grow old together. 
Cobb: And we did… I miss you more than I can bear… but we had our time together. And now I have to let go… 

Sergeant Gary

4 months. 4 months. 4months. 4 MONTHASAA??!?!?!

4 Months since I entered this freakin army as a recruit.

AND NOW I AM A FREAKIN SERGEANT?!?!

Not that I am proud of it though it certainly came as a surprise, but I actually gave up aiming to be one long ago. I just wanted a slack vocation so that I can concentrate on my outside life and the future. Vocations like driver or military police.. Ah. Life would be good.

BUT ARGHHHHHHH!! I HAVE TO TRAVEL ALL THE WAY TO JURONG FROM HOUGANG EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND!! SSSSSAVE ME SOMEBODY!!

Welcome to my (Army) Life!

It’s been 2 months since I got enlisted in army. Looking back now these 2 months seem really quick but full of mental and physical torture. Everyday, I have to get up at 5.30am in the morning and go through a hell of activities. Initially it was tough and depressing but I eventually got used to army life. But the past 2 days were really bad, having to go through alot of events without much rest.

As stressed as I may be, I admire the recruits from other companies who probably went through much more hell. I heard stories of their tiresome physical activities and tekan (Scolding) sessions and can’t help but think that it is just me who isn’t mentally buffed enough.

I been trying very hard to improve myself by mind fucking myself for almost every 2.4km run and route marches. Those long dreadful activities that siphon every single happiness in you till you feel like giving up or just (pretend to) faint at the spot so that you can just be carried off. I am fighting a mind battle in army and I am afraid I am near my limits.

But if I am near my limits then I am fucking pathetic. I am a lesser man or rather not even fit to be called one. Countless recruits has been through the very same (or even worse) army experience and they outside now saying, “I love my army experience!” To even think I am actually had the thought of going to command school to be a Sergeant. To have the power to inspire other recruits and change their army experience. But right now, I am at the point of giving up.

No. I won’t give up. I’ll push. I’ll survive. Somehow. I won’t allow myself to give into to mental stress. I came to army with a resolve. I came to army to prove that I can be a man. To prove that I am no longer a weak boy who only sits infront of his computer screen and game everyday.

Mental battles aside, I went to catch Inception really and I really love the movie. It is really relatable for me because most of the dream scenes reflect the mental battles the character are having. The conclusive scene in which the main character finally managed to move on.. changed me. Most importantly, it change the memory of me & her. I been having problems in moving on from her even till now. There is always this brief memory of both of us atop that tower looking down at Taiwan stuck in my head and it would haunt me almost every night. We would always be holding hands in that brief memory but recently.. It’s changed. Whenever I try to recall that memory again, I would be distanced further from her and staring at her and we are no longer holding hands. Her face is harder to recall now but she speaks in that memory now. She taunts me now. “Will you move on? If you do, you will lose this most treasured memory of me, the girl you love so ever deeply. You will lose your reason to live but in exchange gain your freedom”

I know I am stronger and able to move on now but still.. I am reluctant. To move on, I must give up this most precious memory of mine that I would always recall to remember my precious moments with her. Sigh.

My life is sure full of mind battles.

NS!

Hah! In a few more hours, I would be officially enlisted in the army! Zach is kinda surprised that I am quite clam about this matter. Well, it’s just a stage in life everyone have to go through. It’s not like I have a choice. I just hope my squadmates are decent enough and I hope there will be no conflicts.

I just went to view a friend’s blog recently and I realized she deleted the post that had me inside. Pictures and Everything. Guess I will never be a memory, well of course not after all those stuff that happened.

BUT I MY SPIRITS ARE NOT DAMPENED BY SUCH EMOTIONAL TRUTH. I WILL GO NS WITH MY HEAD HIGH, CHEST PROTRUDING LIKE A WOMAN. (No, not in a gay sense but you know? Kinda like.. HUGE! Okay nvm sounded wrong anyway.) I WILL NOT FALTER BEFORE A SIMPLE SERVICE FOR THE NATION. I STILL HAVE AMBITIONS AHEAD! 

WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM!!

MY DRILL IS MY SOUL ITSELF AND IT SHALL PIERCE THE HEAVENS!!

BRING IT ON NS! MEET MY BURNING RESOLVE! MY DRILL!

Bloody Stomachache..

After 2 nights of BBQ has landed me sick with food poisoning.

Jesus.

My stomach now hurt badly and everyone else is COMPLETELY fine.

The BBQ with my poly-mates were fun and memorable but the one with my high school clique went on a roller coaster ride. Everyone was laughing and enjoying at the start but after some got drunk, the mood turned bad. One of them was crying and some others slowly got into a bad mood. I guess the stress they kept inside just unleashed.

My high school clique also had a debate regarding beggars. One choosing to greatly sympathize and some others angry over the amount of sympathy shown. There are reasons why beggars remain beggars and I believe they do not deserve sympathy. Beggars don’t put in effort to get themselves out of their situation and instead choose to gain sympathy to survive. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am not entirely against them. There are some who met mis-fortunate accident and had no other choices. But think about it, your sympathy is a source of de-motivation. They won’t push themselves to get out of their situation. I believe my argument appropriately applies to the beggar my clique saw yesterday. He didn’t ask for any food and continuously stalk the BBQ pit like a hyena. Oh please, even I know what is begging with stealth. His actions made the entire clique feel uncomfortable. People who offer food for beggars who make no effort to earn their own living/meal are potentially dooming them.

Urghh. My tipsy state is really bad recently. I would see illusions from my past. I would see.. her. It’s.. bad. I know. I should have moved on. But maybe it’s beneficial leaving her in my head. Whenever I start to go into a dreamy state (when I am tipsy with alcohol) I would remember the scene up above in Taiwan 101. We would be holding hands together and looking out at the future I created,  just for both of us. But no, that future belong to mine alone. Not for anyone else.

Anyone’s future is his/her own, alone.

Hangover

After blogging down my angry thoughts last night, I went to had a couple of drinks and nearly got myself drunk. But surprisingly, getting (nearly) drunk was somehow beneficial.

Memories and emotions flooded my head. Memories of how I screwed up almost my entire school life. The impulsive emotion to break out of dreadful personality of mine. I remembered it all. My desire for success in life and my ambitious plans for the future, they are the reason why I wanted to study in the states. These were what motivated me to seek a better university.

I have to keep going forth. It’s too late to stop.